Hati seorang suami...

This weekend i spent most of the time with hubby....Maklumlah kan...dah 2 minggu dah jumpa..
Banyak perkara yang kami sembang, cerita and update..

And of the first thing yang dye tanya,"Whether my period is delayed or not"..Sadly have to inform i got my period last week..then dye diam.."xpe lah, nak wat camne, takde rezeki lagi". Pastu kiteorg sambung lagi lepak2, makan2 sembang2..

Tapi one thing, i realize sgt2 perubahan air muka dye...So, masa dlm kereta nak balik tu, i asked him, " D, u sedih eh B x pregnant lagi?"..Dye jawab, "sedih la jugak, even u dah amik ubat pun x jadi jugak, tapi xpe lah bulan ni kita cuba lagi". Bila dye sedih, I lagi lah rasa sedih....

Hmmm.....selalu nya I yang lebih2 about getting pregnant, nak babies and sort of things..
Tapi first masa g check up dgn Dr tu, memang mr. hubby yang banyak tanya banding dengan i...Dye memang jarang nak luah, nak cakap macam kita yang perempuan ni kan..Sampaikan kadang2 I rasa hubby ni macam tak faham ke tak tau perasaan I ni... Sebab dye selalu cakap, "Wat rileks sudah.." bila2 i cakap pasal TTC ni. One thing yang I selalu geram dulu sebab he is so cool, no matter what people, friends and family said to us..

But then, sekarang i dah tau, he feel what I felt...recently pun my hubby is more concern about my feeling on this TTC journey..At the same time jugak, our conversation continues to the story of our friends (So happen that my fren married his friend) who is juz got new baby girl..

Hubby: A msg bagitau Q dah bersalin last week. Q bagitau u x?
Me : Ada msg tapi i tak reply..
Hubby: Nape?
Me:........... (diam je)
Hubby: Nak g tengok tak?
Me: Tak nak lah, i stress la bila tengok baby...
Hubby: Kecuali baby fitrah kan.hahaha..ala, wat rileks jer (again, his favourite tagline)..
Me: U senang la cakap..
Hubby: U tak suka orang tanya2 u kan? Ok, lain kali kalau orang tanya u lagi u jawab je camni, "Ni tanya betul-betul ikhlas ke? Atau tanya sebab dah tak de benda lain nak tanya? Atau dah tak tau nak cakap apa dengan saya?" (he did it with faces like mami jarum that make me laugh)...
Me: (laughing)

And we did talk about this TTC things...for first time ever~ a real talk and discussion on the feelings.. i realize now, either me or hubby, the pressure the stress the feelings are all same. beza cuma I ada blog tempat meluahkan tapi hubby lebih banyak memendam dan wat rilek je. I even told him that I have blog and TTC friends..the stories, experience that we shared...how they ease my feelings each time...

But now I also know, i can talk and express anything with him...He does know and understand as well...

Love u D

Diumumkan First cycle dgn clomid dah gagal....AF menjelma on 15 Jun aritu, agak cepat dalam 27 hari je..before this biasanya 1 cycle tu dalam 29 to 33 days...hmmm...
maybe sebab stress kot aritu pindah rumah..
 Bulan ni tak amik clomid walaupun stok bulan ni dah dibekalkan oleh Dr. tempoh hari..sebabnya haritu balik umah my parents and tak bawa clomid. AF plak sampai awal~unexpected...Bulan depan plak la nampaknya....tapi masa tu plak dah dkt2 nak bulan puasa...
Entahlah...guess it's not the right time yet..

Do you know that those who appear very strong, in fact have emotional heart and very vulnerable?

Do you know that those who appear very strong, in fact have emotional heart and very vulnerable?

- so, people might see me that I'm strong, tough, fierce and so on...but deep down my heart, I'm so fragile...

my heart is easily broken..and to heal it needs time..the wound might be heeled but the scar will remain...

i don't revenge and grudge people..so please do not disturb my heart! 

sometimes in life, we have to face a situation when you have to choose one between two things..If you choose A, then at the same time you have to loose B...

Yes, that is life..everything need sacrifice. have to learn to let go something you might love..choose and loose...

i want baby..desperately! i will do anything juz to have a baby...

juz reach home frm my mum's.. already miss baby fitrah like hell..thnx sis for willing to share the moment with me....

p.s: skrg tgh nangis gile sbb ape pun xtau lauu

Tentang Sahabat

Throughout my life, I've met and made a lot of friends but the one that are really close to me can be counted with fingers...

Friends whom i really share everything about my life (maybe not all but most of it..), friends whom are there with me through thick and thin times, up and down of life, through laughter and tears, through happiness and sadness, whom so called my Best Friend Forever (cewah..cam Paris Hilton plak)~ well, i can say : not many..

There are certain reasons why we became BFF, and the best part is at this stage~i can share and exchange TTC stories with them...
Yes...and why? becoz we are in the same shoes..or at least was in the same shoes before...

NZ: She is the first best friend that i have... we were in the same secondary school. To be exact we were in the same classes throughout schooling years, same game house, same tuition class, same matrix and even same U (but i left on the 2nd year and continue in other U~ well, that will be another story). She even work in KL now, so we do spend a lot of time together...She got married in 2006, 3 years before me. I was her bridesmaid of coz...Then after 2 years, she was still not pregnant. She's gone through what Im going through now. At that time, she always call me, crying, expressing her feeling, the pressure people around put on her especially her MIL. I was not married yet that time. She even told me all the fertility treatment she is going to do and done, either tradisional way or modern way. Too many ways that i cant imagine at that point of time, juz for her to get pregnant. And alhamdulillah finally she got pregnant in 2009 (the year i got married) and now is expecting the second child. At least, I was exposed to this TTC thing quite early. She even recommeded me to the hospital that she went and all the treatment that she went through. But its a private hospital which i cant afford. Lucky her becoz her company bear the cost for the treatment. I have done berurut which said nothings wrong with me, but i dont think im willing to swallow all the bitter taste of akar kayu like she did. She always encouraging me with her words~ "dont give a shit about people around, they will never satisfy with what ever you have or dont have"..hahaha...snow keep asking her," mengandung la lagi, mana tau dapat gal plak"...people sometimes can be so annoying kan...

EZ: She is my classmate in form 4 and 5 but we become close during the matriculation time with othey friend, K...She got married on 2008..And she is always the pretty princess among us all...She got pregnant a year later. At first she did not expect that she is pregnant becoz her period is always ting tong..sometimes even 3 to 4 months she have got no period at all, so when she dont get her period, she thought it was normal..Later, when she decided to plan for baby, she and hubby went to see Dr, then only, Dr told her that she already 4 months pregnant..Lucky her, isnt it? The sad side of her story is she was paralysed a day after she gave birth to a healthy and handsome baby boy (morning)...She got fever later at night she delivered and attacked with stroke around 3am..The saddess thing is  she always mention to me, how she long to hug and hold her baby..she cant carry her baby too long with one left hand. It had been almost a year and she still undergo physio..Alhamdullilah, she now can walk again, even slow but her right hand still cant move..

CT: I met her during my studies in UKM in year 2005...we were classmates since sem 1. During my degree years we perform study group from the 1st day of meeting. There is 6 of us (me, CT, ZZ, S, H and G) And weirdly, we stick as best friends (best friends till today) throughout the college years. In every assignment, groupies,exams..nobody mess with us and nobody can separate us. And the bond become stronger more than just class/coursemate. Its friendship. Even lecturers know about our so called excellent students group even before we enter their class next year.hahaha..belagak siot! It's really a sweet memories...okay, that will be another story of our hanky panky years also...Ct is just like me~ we are TTCing..and until today me n CT are still praying, dreaming and hoping the greatest gift of all. We shared a lot of tears and laughter together about this TTC things...The only thing is her hubby is not very supportive about this infertility things. Teasing her for not getting pregnant but when ever my friend ask to go for check up to see who really has the problem, he refuse. And this always stressed her out and make her feel fed up.. At least, we become shoulders to each other....Gal, i know you are strong...stronger than me indeed..Just be patient ok.

J: I've known her during my part time works and we bond together since the first time we met.The similarity of us is we are the type of people who is not easily make friends with strangers. Pretty weird how we can cling to each other! She came from filthy rich family i must say...She juzt got married recently. And to my surprise, she married to 40 over years old man and mat salleh too! Last month, when we went out together, she told me a secret that even her parents and family did not know. She is going to do IVF soon as her husband got some problems with the sperms (low count and weak). He did mentioned to her from the beginning as it was the reason why his wife left him before and he did not the same thing happen again. But i must say, love for him is above everthing to my friend. After 1st month of the wedding they already seek treatment from the hospital. Will proceed with the IVF after she came back from her honeymoon + holiday in a few weeks time.

The other best friends of mine~ all are married except K and H. ZZ is expecting his third child. Yup, He did told us during our college years that he and wife were on family planning as they already got 2 children. Will plan for another child after graduate. At least it does take 3 years to start all over again for your planning, right? Hehehe...and congratulations on your expecting. S just got married last year and no further story. G just got married last weekend and this week is the receptions on his side. Cant wait and so excited to gathered again.. We are planning for movies after the kenduri. Except G~ u are not allowed to join us, at least for this Saturday coz u are the groom...hahaha...

So, there goes the story of my friends...and this is the first time Im counting the numbers of best friends i have, only 8 out of 300 (in my FB list~ friends that i really know from my primary, secondary, matriculation, U and work)...I dont social much so i dont really make friends outside. But it's not quantity but quality that count, right...At least, the friends that i have are really friends whom i can rely and depends on...And now, i have a new circle of friends~TTC Friends!

Masih ada impian

Aku terbang menuju ke bintang
Patah sayap lalu hujan mendatang
Apakah bisa impian dicapai dengan senang?
Atau hidup ini tidak ada yang tenang?

Cuba engkau perhatikan ia
Seakan memanggil untukmu kesana
Adakah semua bintang2 sudah ada yang punya?
Atau adakah sebuah bintang untukku telah tercipta?

Indah sungguh malam damai ini
Seakan aku tidak mahu masa berganjak lagi
Apakah ini hanyalah mimpi?
Mencari ilusi dalam fantasi

Aku mahu temankan mu melihat bintang
Agar kita berdua dalam keadaan tenang
Daripada kacau bilau yang mendatang
Dan kita berkongsi harapan agar impian kita takkan hilang.