TTC

Since most of my blogs friend share their journey of TTC
I think i shud too..
So that i can keep track on what i shud do or have done..

Semalam dah call LPPKN but still tak boleh buat appointment.
Their lab is still in renovation..maybe sampai bulan 3 katanya...

Then text mr. hubby to inform him..
He replied in just one word, "Ok".
Then I dah mula rasa sebak...text him again, "D, maybe takde roh kat sana yang sudi jadi anak kite kot"
My phone rang, its from him..dengan lembut dye cakap
"Nape B cakap macam tu? X baik tau..ada, nanti mesti ada.."
Aku pulak yang rase nak nangis...
Dan kami dah ada nama untuk anak2 kami nanti..
Hahaha...terus menanti dan terus berharap..
Walaupun ianya satu penyiksaan..
Doaku agar suatu hari nanti Allah akan mengurniakan kami seorang permata yang bakal mendoakan kami di saat sudah tidak ada lagi di dunia ini.Amin..

Its A Long & Tiring Journey..

First,
I created this blog not because to have followers or to get money or attention and etc...
I created this blog as a place for me to express my feeling...
Its just like my heartfeel diary..
Because sometimes there are times I cant say my words outloud..
as it might hurt people or it just simply my personal insight which no one ever want to hear OR understand..

Recently,
Im facing a big hurdles in my life..
All this while everything went smoothly...
My life was perfect...and normal..
I thought it was complete but I realize now what completed my life..
But actually it just a hint that I'm goin to face the most critical situation in my life..
It tests my patient to the maximum..
It tests how strong I am to face the world and how the world will judge me..
Whether or not I'll be thankfull to the Lord above...

Yes,
It sometimes it hurts..
Sometimes it cost me non-stop tears...
Sometimes I smiled and laughed but deep down my heart, I cried..
But still there is time I feel genuinely happy..

Yes,
There is time when envy and jealousy surrounded my heart
And yet it turned into tearful sorrow and sadness..
But Im still happy for others' happiness..or at least I tend to be happy
People tend to try to understand..They said..
But truthfully they dont understand because they dont go through it..
They dont face it..they dont feel it..
So they just simply dont understand...

There is time when things dont go well as they were planned...
and there is time when your journey is not as easy as others
I never wish my life will go this way...NEVER..
but God has different plan for me..
Im trying to be as strong as I can..
Im trying to be as patient as I can..
Though sometimes I almost give up and lost hope...
On this long and tiring journey..

Today ~ Sang Bidadari is still waiting for God's give!

CRYING...

Crying isn't showing your weakness. Its shows that you've been strong for too long...

(dipetik dari http://rebellingmind.blogspot.com/2010/12/weakness.html)...

Yup, Couldn't agree more!
I know...when ever i cry...it means that i cant hold it in my heart anymore..even for hundred repeatations of time...
If I cant take it anymore it simply means I cant take it anymore...no need to push me..
Crying is the best way to express my feelings...especially when somethings are so hard/ cant be uttered from my small rosy lips..
Burst in cry make me feel better and relieved....Like throwingaway  all the hard stones in the heart..
It doesnt put away the problems but it does make me feel better...at least for a moment..
What else do I have either than those beautiful diamondlike sparkles than run down from my eyes...??

I dont cry much in my earliest years of life.....

Naaaaaaaaaa...I lied!

I did cried..but usually i swallowed and buried it deep down in my heart..

I cried when i cant get what i want..

I cried when all my scorer friends got offer to go to boarding schools when Im not (eventually I got the offer too for 2nd intake but I let it down~merajuk la konon!)

I cried when my crush had a crush with my best friend (he actually just be friend to me to get to my bestfriend)

I cried when my parents put more attention to my brother than me...

I cried whenever my relationships was over because i tend to make same stupid mistakes by falling in the stupid guys..(which i realise later)

I cried when ever I feel missing of my family and parents when Im a far apart..

But my parents said Im the eldest, I have to be strong and perfect...so, I cant cry..

yess...I never cry, at least not in front of them..because everytime I cry, I cry inside my heart..

But now,

Im facing the biggest hurdles in my life...

I cant bear to hold my tears anymore..

I cant no more hide every single sparkles in my heart ..

So..

I cry outloud...

I cry..and cry..and cry

Until now..

Tears is my best frind...



SUNYI...

Tadi dah hantar adik balik asrama...dah masuk 2 minggu dye stay kat asrama...
kali ni tak dapat nak halang kehendak dye..terpaksa gak we all (termasuk my parents) tunaikan permintaan dye nak merasa belajar di asrama..
Adik pun dah besar...tapi bagi kami dye tetap adik kecil kami...of coz berat hati nak lepaskan dye...nasib baik sekolah baru dye tak jauh sangat...
"Adik kol tau kalau tak cukup makan, kalau ade orang buli kol akak tau!" "Nanti weekend akak datang" "Kalau tak cukup duit, kol akak tau","Nanti weekend akak hantar makanan" dan macam2 lagi lah pesanan...Rasenya mesti adik a little bit annoyed dengan karenah aku tue...hahaha..I know I'm being too much

Sampai rumah, masuk bilik, duduk atas katil....termenung...
Sunyinye adik takde...Bosannya bile adik takde...Takde kawan....
Dan diam-diam airmata ni bergenang...
Macam ni kot adik rase masa aku dok jauh dulu...teringat balik cite mak adik nangis sepanjang perjalanan dari UUM ke Penang setiap kali hantar aku. Masa tu adik kecik lagi, umur dye dalam 3-4 tahun camtu..
Kali ni adik yang masuk asrama, dan aku pulak yang menangis..

Aku menangis sebab terasa betapa cepatnya masa berlalu...
Aku menangis sebab terasa betapa segala-galanya dah berubah dengan begitu pantas sekali...
Aku menangis sebab tetiba rase rindu kat arwah Yai....(time ni la tetiba nak tertengok gambar Yai masa bukak laci kabinet buku tadi)
Aku menangis sebab eventually sume orang dah ada life sendiri and eventually too will leave me alone and lonely...Family, Friends, Hubby..

Yup, rumah besar ni dah tak ade serinya...Dah tak macam dulu...
Mungkin dengan kehadiran cucu ayah dan mak yang pertama nanti
dapat mengembalikan keceriaan dan keriuhan yang ada dulu..

I hate drastic changes but life must go on..

Dan hari ini, Tuhan masih lagi belum tunaikan permintaan ku yang satu itu...

SOLEDAD

If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There's an image of your face
And once again I come to REALIZE
You're a loss I can't replace

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Walking down the streets of Nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can't believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I conceal the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Time will never change the things you've told me
After all we're meant to be love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad